For the past few days now I have been hiding inside that prison called my head. I spend my days pleasing and helping others without a care for myself and without noticing I am crumbling.
I came back after an evening out with someone, who like me suffers from mental health issues to a town in partial darkness. Black – my favourite colour at the moment. My mind is black, my mood is black. I close my eyes and see….you guessed it BLACK.
Why am I outing myself as mentally ill.. because no-one will read this or care. Thats the truth about mental illness, it can’t be seen so doesn’t exist except inside your own head. Is it attention seeking..No! Do I “put it on”.. erm No as you cannot imagine the internal pain a person with mental illness suffers, you want to go out and do things but there is this “lead” around your neck pulling you back. You wake up feeling more tired than when you went to bed.
I wake up this morning a day older, on my own, no money in the bank, a failing business, no talent, no direction and the first thing I do is see what others are doing and see if I can help and get greeted by talented people who obviously enjoy life and have money in the bank, family who genuinely care about them and a circle of friends – yep the same as yesterday. I cannot even summon the strength to get out of bed and make myself a coffee. The dogs have scarpered downstairs as they sense “another day in the world of Michelle”
You’re not alone with these thoughts.